Somehow We Seem to Have Lost Our Way
by thejeweloftherealm
Summary: It's been five years since Killian Jones last spoke to his brother and now he's coming to visit. (Sequel to my Florist!Killian AU)
**So this is a sequel to my year-old fic 'Only the Lonely (Know the Way I Feel)' but it can probably be read without having read that fic. I hope you enjoy it! (Thank you to foundmyhome on tumblr for editing this for me)**

* * *

The letter taunts him. It sits on the coffee table in his lounge, the multitude of stamps facing upwards and his name neatly scrawled across it in familiar writing he hasn't seen in years.

Its presence has infected his whole home. He can't walk through his front door without picturing it, without knowing that he should open it and read it and just _be better_.

He's felt better for months, but the thought of whatever Liam has deemed important enough to require a letter is terrifying. He has no idea what it could be, and their last conversation was filled with so many angry words and biting insults that he wonders if Liam's simply held a grudge for however long it's been and has finally given in to the temptation to make sure he has the last word.

Back then, when they were fighting, Killian left the country before Liam had the chance.

But it's far easier to ignore everything than to face the past. Killian has always been skilled at it, and it's even simpler now that he has such a comforting present.

So he leaves the letter alone.

He leaves his house, too. He stays with Emma instead.

He doesn't even need to think about the letter, not that that always stops him, because Emma's apartment is comforting and bright. Over the last few months, she's started framing pictures of the two of them, hanging them on previously sparse walls, and looking up at them calms him whenever he starts to worry about what he isn't reading.

Because what if it's important and he's too much of a coward to read it?

At the same time, what if he reads it and it _hurts_?

It's better to stay with Emma. Here, with her, he's happy.

And even though he feels slightly guilty that it's his cowardice that's made him take such a large step forward in his relationship with Emma, he can't regret it when it means he can welcome her home from the Sheriff station every day with a flower and receive a kiss in return.

* * *

He usually wakes before Emma and drives the twenty minutes back to his home, to his greenhouses. But he chooses to sleep in on Saturdays, and it's wonderful to wake and just lie beside her.

She always wraps herself around him, but he doesn't mind because her weight against him is a solid reminder of how much everything has changed in the last few months, how much he has gained.

He's never lonely anymore.

"Killian?" she grumbles as she stirs, her hand sliding up his chest to cradle his cheek, and he turns to press a kiss to her palm, followed by a kiss just a few inches lower, to the tattoo of a flower she has imprinted on her wrist.

Sometimes, Emma tells him it's a buttercup and that she hates it, although never anything more than that. Other days, it's a forget-me-not and she loves it. When she beams up at him, he knows today is a forget-me-not day.

They both have pasts they can't help but dwell on, but when they're together, it's far easier to move on.

"Good morning, love." He murmurs into her skin, loving her soft smile and the way she nuzzles closer. "Sleep well?"

"Very." She tells him, and she's watching him run his thumb over the flower tattoo. "It really does look like a forget-me-not, right?"

He likes this talk. They've had it more than once. "It could definitely pass for one." he tells her with a smile. "Why is it a forget-me-not today, darling?"

"Most of the time, it's a forget-me-not." She reminds him, and she looks over at the vase of forget-me-not's on her side table, flowers he grew especially for her. "It may have been a buttercup once, but now it's a forget-me-not and it makes me think of you."

He knows why. Sometimes, she explains further, but today she seems satisfied with just those words. "Because of my eyes?"

She laughs brilliantly and reaches up to kiss him, her fingers sliding through his hair. "Is it bad to say I'm happy you got in that car crash?" she mutters against his lips, and he chuckles. "Because I really, _really_ am."

He kisses her this time, and he really likes these lazy mornings. He's pretty fond of morning sex too.

And when Emma's up and getting dressed, he thinks back to how persistent she was all those months ago. When he wouldn't leave the house, when he wouldn't drive, when he was too scared to seek her out. He thinks that if she was brave enough to do that, to reach out to him when he was reluctant to accept anything, then the least he can do is open Liam's letter.

Emma reminds him that it's important to take a chance.

But he hasn't spoken to Liam in years. Not since he told his brother about his affair, not since he left for America, Milah at his side.

Liam couldn't approve of him running away with a married woman, and aside from a message to his brother with his new address, they haven't contacted one another since. And now everything's different and easier and it's been so long since things changed that he's not sure how to tell Liam.

That is, if Liam even wants to know.

When Emma leans over to kiss him in a farewell, he takes her arm gently and asks if they can stay at his house that night.

Because he has to open the letter but if Emma's with him, he's certain that no matter what he reads, he'll be able to find comfort again.

* * *

He opens the letter before Emma comes home. He had wanted to wait, to read it when they were curled up together on the couch and watching whatever new show Emma's decided on now that they're up to date with 'The Good Wife', but then doubts had hit him and he'd decided it was better to do it alone.

As close as they are, there are some things that are too painful to talk about, and he doesn't want her questions.

The letter's short. His brother's in America for a couple of weeks, and he wants to visit. The message is scrawled across a squared sheet of paper, the side torn from where Liam must have ripped it from a notebook.

It feels like an afterthought, something Liam sent last minute because they're family and suggesting a visit is something they _should_ do, not something he wants to do. It's the same sense of obligation that makes Killian call the number scribbled across the bottom of the page and finally speak to his brother again.

They don't say much. Liam doesn't know who's calling, not until Killian tells him, and then everything becomes difficult and heavy and he just wants to hang up and pretend he'd never opened the letter.

"You read the letter?" Liam repeats, after Killian gives him a very brief explanation for his call. "I sent that weeks ago. Did it only just arrive?"

"No."

His answer leads to another prolonged silence.

It never used to be this hard, not before Milah, and Killian hates hard. "You can come visit." He says shortly. "Text me the dates. You have the address."

He hangs up, hides his phone in one of coffee table's drawers so he won't hear it if Liam tries to ring again, and goes out to the greenhouses.

* * *

"Liam's coming to visit." He tells Emma that night as he does the dishes. She's still sat at the table, finishing her mug of hot cocoa, and he should have told her before, as they ate, but now he doesn't have to look at her, so it feels easier. "I don't know when. Soon. He'll be here for a few days."

"Liam?"

"My brother."

"Oh. You're speaking again?"

He has to look at her then, in case he'd been wrong about both of them understanding the need to keep painful things hidden away and unspoken, but she's taking another sip from her drink and it wasn't an accusation at all. Just a statement.

"We don't… It's been awhile since we spoke." He explains, placing the last wet dish on the drying rack and returning to his seat at the table. "He sent a letter asking if he could visit and I said yes."

"You looking forward to seeing him?" Emma asks, her eyes narrowing as she looks at him. She knows, just as well as him, that he doesn't know what he's feeling. She always seems to know him better than he does. "Or are you dreading it?"

He chuckles then, because dreading it is the perfect description. "We have a lot to talk about." He answers, which is answer enough for Emma. They talk, about things more personal than he'd have expected to share with anyone, but she knows how much it hurts to do so, and if he didn't love her so much, he wouldn't put himself through the memories.

Even then, there's a lot that they both choose not to discuss.

"My foster brother August came to visit once. A few years ago." She tells him. "Back when I was still a deputy. He stole two-hundred dollars from me when he left. Liam's visit probably won't be worse than that."

"There'll probably be less stealing." He agrees. "Possibly more shouting."

"Why don't you get on?"

She's at the sink now, rinsing her empty mug, but even though she isn't facing him, he doesn't want to answer. Not when the explanation would only lead to more questions about things he's never told her, things like Milah and her husband.

It's not that she doesn't know about Milah. He's told her that much. She just doesn't know everything, because he doesn't like to talk about it.

And what if he did manage to tell her? What if he told her and she reacted like Liam, with angry words and orders for him to leave and not come back?

He doesn't answer.

"Hey, Killian, come here." Emma says softly, apparently alright with his lack of response. She stands in front of him and bends to kiss him, just a soft press of her lips to hers. "Whatever happens with Liam, I'll be here. Don't worry."

And when it's Emma saying that, he doesn't.

* * *

He picks Liam up from Boston a week later. He doesn't look much different than he did five years ago, his hair just a bit shorter, and when they see each other, they both ignore the few happy reunions of other families in the airport and just nod at one another.

They barely speak in the car. Liam tries to start up conversation, several times, but Killian doesn't respond. His brother wants to know how Milah is, if he's enjoying living in the States, how the florist business is going.

It's been too long since they last spoke and Killian really doesn't want their first conversation to be about Milah's death. He doesn't know how Liam will react - with pity, with relief, with forced sympathy - and he doesn't want to find out.

He turns the radio up.

* * *

Liam compliments the house when they finally arrive, and Killian replies with a tight smile and a mumbled thanks. He offers to take his brother's suitcase up to the small guest room, although the offer has more to do with a desperation to get away from his brother than any actual courtesy.

He takes his time once he's by himself again, adjusting the small flower arrangement on the bedside table, tying back the curtains, and he regrets ever agreeing to let Liam visit.

But Liam's there and he's downstairs, and Killian hasn't had anyone but Emma and occasionally David in this house since Milah died, and it feels wrong that Liam's the next person to join such a select group.

Eventually, he wanders back downstairs to find his brother still in the hallway, holding a small framed picture that Killian knows holds a photograph of him and Emma outside the greenhouse. It was taken the day he told her he'd started growing forget-me-not's, when she'd beamed at him, kissed him and caught the moment in a picture.

It had been the first photo she displayed in her house, although her mantlepiece now exhibited several, and after he'd spent one evening distracted by its presence, she'd given him a copy of his own.

He looks happy in it, smiling through the kiss, and Emma looks beautiful, a forget-me-not in her hair and a blush on her cheeks.

Liam seems confused by it, a scowl on his face as he stares down at the frame in his hand.

"You seem happy." He comments. "With her."

"I am." Killian replies, taking the frame out of his brothers' hands and placing it carefully back on the wall. He knows what his brother really means - Where's Milah? What's happened? - but he doesn't want to explain. "Do you want take-out?"

"Sure."

* * *

David brings them beer and takeout. The deputy is talkative enough for both of them, and soon Liam's being regaled with stories of David's wife and son and Killian takes advantage of his brother's distraction to slip outside.

He knows that, soon, he'll have to tell Liam everything, about Milah's illness, her death, but even now, it's too painful to explain. He doesn't want to hear the what-if's, doesn't want Liam to say things might have been better if he'd listened and let Milah go before things got too serious. He definitely doesn't want pity.

Emma calls as he's tending to the orchids, but he doesn't pick up. Half an hour later, she tries again, but he still ignores it.

He knows he should pick up, but she's going to ask about Liam. He should answer, they _should_ talk, but he wants to keep them separate. He loves Emma more than anything, she's his happiness, and he refuses to let his brother's disapproval and his own painful past change that.

He takes a photo of the orchid and sends to her, accompanied by a brief message.

 _I'm sorry. I need time._

She replies with an 'OK. Love you xx' and he reads it several times before he closes the message.

* * *

"Where's Milah?"

Liam manages to keep the question to himself through two days of uncomfortable silences and one-sided conversations, but then he asks it over breakfast one morning.

Killian drops his spoon and it clatters against the side of the bowl, milk splashing out onto the table and his shirt.

"She died."

* * *

He expects it be a relief when Liam announces he's going to spend the day exploring Storybrooke, but it's not. As uncomfortable as the last few days have been, Liam's leaving the next day and whatever their past, Liam's still his brother and he wants things to be better.

For a few hours, he tries to rehearse what he might say to Liam when he picks him up from town. He doesn't want to go into too much detail, but he'll explain. He'll answer all the questions Liam asked on the way from the airport and he'll ask Liam how he is, because Liam's barely mentioned a word about his own life and now he's realised that, Killian can't help but be curious.

He never gets a call from Liam. Late afternoon, Emma's yellow bug draws up outside his house and both Emma and Liam step out of it. Emma's surprisingly animated as she speaks to his brother, only pausing when Killian opens the door to let them in and she steps close, rises on her tiptoes and kisses him. He returns it automatically, his arms wrapping around her and holding her close.

"So, this is Liam?" Emma asks when she pulls away, twisting in his arms to grin at his brother. "He's been telling me quite a lot about you."

Killian feels alarm shoot through him and he finally looks away from Emma to stare at his brother, desperate to know what he might have said. The worry quickly fades, because Liam's watching them with a fond smile, and it's something he hasn't seen in so long, not since Milah, but his brother is looking at him and the woman he loves and he's _happy_.

"What?" Killian croaks, surprised by the unfamiliar lightness he feels. "He told you…"

"About the time we went sailing and you forgot to warn me that we were going to jibe." Liam tells him, and Emma's already laughing delightedly, turning in Killian's arms so she's facing Liam too. "Remember? The boon hit me in the head and knocked me into the water and when you noticed me, you yelled at me for jumping ship?"

"I was seven!" Killian protests, but he's smiling too and he doesn't know why he was so worried, because suddenly things seem easy.

* * *

They don't need another take-out, but when it gets late, Emma offers to go and pick it up for them, kissing Killian on the cheek and leaving him alone with his brother.

It feels different now, after the memories they've exchanged all afternoon, and although it's still hard to talk about, Killian tells Liam everything. Liam's genuinely sorry to hear about Milah's passing, patting Killian sympathetically on the shoulder.

"I should have tried harder to keep in contact." Liam says, after apologising that he wasn't there when Killian must have needed him. "I shouldn't have waited five years to send a letter."

"It wasn't just you."

"I told you that if being with Milah was what you wanted, then that was fine but I wouldn't be part of it." Liam tells him bluntly. "I don't blame you for staying out of touch."

"I wouldn't have replied even if you had tried earlier." Killian says. "I didn't speak to anyone for… for a very long time. After I lost Milah, I didn't want to let anyone else in."

"Until Emma?"

"She makes things brighter." Killian admits, glancing back over his shoulder into the hallway, to the photograph on the wall. "She makes me happier than I ever thought I could be."

Liam chuckles. "Yeah, I get that." He digs his phone out of his pocket, holding it out to Killian so that he can see the background, a pixelated image of Liam and a woman grinning out of the screen. "Belle does the same for me."

They sit in silence for a few moments, but everything's comfortable now and he doesn't know how it happened, but all it took was Liam and Emma meeting and smiling at each other for everything feel better than it has in _years_.

"I'm happy for you." Liam says eventually. "Emma's great. She really is. I mean, she seemed taken aback when I surprised her at the sheriff station and asked if she wanted to get a coffee, but once we got past _that_ confusion, it was nice to hear what you've been up to these last few months. You make her really happy too, you know that?"

Killian doesn't know what to say, because Liam's sincerity means everything, his _words_ mean everything. He just swallows and smiles and hope Liam understands.

"Make sure to invite me to the wedding." Liam teases, nudging Killian's side with his elbow. "You can marry this one, right?"

Before, Killian would have taken that as a harsh reminder of everything they'd fought about, but Liam's smiling genuinely and it really is just a light-hearted joke and it _doesn't_ hurt.

He knows, then, that they can do this. It will take more than one visit, but they'll try and they'll mend things, like they should have done long ago.

* * *

That night, he tells Emma everything he told his brother. He tells her about meeting Milah, _choosing_ Milah, and everything that happened after they moved to America. She doesn't frown or disapprove, she just lets him hold her closer, and then when he finishes talking, she starts.

He always knew she had a past as painful as his, one that she was equally unwilling to relive, but soon he knows everything - about the man who left her, the son she gave up - and it all hurts, but it feels better that he knows.

He'd always wanted to know her, and before, he'd deluded himself into believing that it was better to keep the pain unspoken, that he was happier knowing her favourite food and her favourite colour, knowing just how to kiss her in the way that makes her whimper and moan and hold him to her, but he understands now. The past isn't something they need to dwell on, not together, but it made them who they are, made her the woman he loves and knowing what she's survived just makes him love her more.

And although the conversation makes everything feel raw and painful, he finally feels like maybe the past doesn't need to hold him back anymore.

"I love you." He tells her, when she's no longer crying. "More than I loved you yesterday. Tomorrow, I'll love you even more."

"I love you too."

And if kissing her months before felt like a new start, making love with her that night feels like something more, something like a forever.

* * *

They both take Liam back to the airport the next day. After giving Liam a hug, Emma leaves the two of them alone. For a moment, Killian doesn't know what to do. He's never said goodbye to his brother before, as their last conversation five years ago had been too bitter and loud and destructive to spare time for any farewells, and he wrings his hands together in lieu of knowing what to say.

"You should get Skype." He says eventually, and Liam chuckles. "I'd rather not let you know how my proposal goes via letter, whenever I decide to do it."

Liam grins and reaches out to place a steady, reassuring hand on his shoulder. "I suppose learning how to use such technology would be worth it just for that." He agrees. "You'll keep in touch?"

"I will."

"If you're ever in England, feel free to pop in for a cup of tea or something." Liam suggests, and Killian feels his smile widening. "Belle's heard a lot about you and I'm sure she'd love to meet you in person. I think her and Emma would get on well."

"I'll make sure to bring her along."

* * *

They don't hug when Liam leaves, but they do shake hands, and just before he starts through security, Liam turns back to face him and Emma and he smiles.

"It was good to see you, little brother."

And once, Killian would have corrected him, but he's just happy the endearment is being used at all.


End file.
